I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
