how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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