i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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