dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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