I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
