Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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