Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
