You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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