Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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