My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
