hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just had sex on a roof
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
