My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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