Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i was born a porn star she said
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
