Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
