i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
