I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
