My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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