He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
