Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
