can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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