the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
