I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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