U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
should my penis look like a turkey
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
