There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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