On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
