seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize