So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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