suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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