My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day â¤ï¸
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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