I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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