I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Be still, my beating vagina.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
