Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
