Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
