U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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