So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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