I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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