Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
