i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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