Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
