Dude my mom stole all your condoms
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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