3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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