went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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