i need an iv and a liver transplant
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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