I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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