if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
