i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
