Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The power of my boobs compel you
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
