So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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