Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
