so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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