My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
