I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
