Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My dad is sitting where you rode me
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
