I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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