I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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