It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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