I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
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