I didn't shave. On purpose
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
