I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
