omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
