I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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