where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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